Monday, October 29, 2012

The Titty Nitty-Gritty: A Study of the Ta-tas

Snapple Fact #41: Shrimp can only swim backwards

Today, I would like to discuss one of the most baffling mysteries of human history.  It is a mystery that has never, and I fear, will never be solved.  Despite mankind’s exhausting obsession with this mystery, I am quite confident that it will never be approached with the solemnity required to break the spell it casts over so many human beings.  What is this great is enigma?  Quite simple: Boobs.

Breasts. Titties. Hooters. Funbags. Ta-tas. Jubblies. Dirty pillows. Gazongas. The girls.   Men (and women, on occasion) have found themselves inexplicably mesmerized by these orbs of power since the beginning of time.  They have created and ended careers (not to mention marriages!), motivating and destroying the lives of men throughout history.  I seriously want to know when the first bunch of Homo Erectus (pun sorta intended) dudes got together and said, “Wow, check out those mounds of skin hanging off that lady!  Let’s unceremoniously stare at them for the rest of time!”  

What is so fascinating about the female mammary glands?  Their sole biological purpose of existence is to provide milk for infants (who, if they knew they had other options, would surely desire another source of nutrients).  Almost all human females possess some amount of boobage. They are ever persent in day-to-day life.  They're fracking everywhere!  They are not rare.  They are not a non-renewable natural resource.  They don’t shoot candy or vote or make you a sandwich.  They just sit there under our shirts.  Hell, half of the internet is practically powered by titties alone! We have this infinite source of free titty-viewing, yet women remain subject to the constant, shameless, glazed-over stares, directed 12 inches below our eyes.

Now, I (kinda) get why dudes dig checking out a lady’s reproductive system area.  That's easy; men are hardwired to seek out "poon."  Like all mammals, most people don't need to go to 8th grade Sex Ed. to figure out what goes where and why (though I would highly recommend it so you know about them nasty STDs and such).  Plus, the "vag" is a sacred vessel that holds life and sexual pleasure.  It’s a beautiful flower, with lovely petals that open up and so many possibilities of physical enjoyment, yada yada yada...  But why boobs?  Boobs don’t do any of that. They make absolutely no contribution to the biological procreation process.

Were you to ask a man why he finds sweater puppies so alluring, you would normally receive a vague response like, "Because they're awesome!" As true as that is, I often wonder at the actual reasons as to why they're so awesome.  
  • Obviously, men are very visual creatures.  If you tell them not to look at something, what's the first thing they do?  
  • Men are also very hands-on creatures.  They like being able to always have something extra to play with.  Boobies are often quite pleasant to the touch and are conveniently located for such interaction (i.e. front and center).
  • Men are drawn to the mysterious. They see an attractive setup of cleavage framed by a low-cut shirt and can only imagine what lies beneath.
  • Men often suffer from a lack of shame.  They know what they want and they want it now.  So if shameless ogling results in a woman's disdain, then it's automatically her problem, according to the male logic.
  • Titty Envy: They don't have them, so naturally, they want what they don't have.
In short, hooter-mania is here to stay.  It is the nature of dudes.  I suppose it's a curse for them in a way. Ta-tas are probably the biggest accidental sources of power to ever grace the earth.  They can be used for great good and/or great evil. So use them well, ladies!