Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Airing of Grievances: Special Edition Festivus Post

Quote of the Day:
"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way." - Frank Costanza, Seinfeld 

I recently attended my first Festivus party.  I witnessed feats of strength (arm-wrestling), free, endless meatballs, a Festivus Miracle (drunken diva tag), and my personal favorite: The Airing of Grievances.  The host had a large sheet of paper on which guests were invited to write their grievances.  That inspired me to air all my grievances this holiday season:

People who took the Mayan apocalypse way too seriously

People who don't use their turn signals

Do you have any idea how many people shop at Walmart?  Then why the hell don't you put more people at the the cash registers?!?

People who still make a big stink about racism.  I don't look down on you because of your skin color or ethnicity; I look down on you because you neglect adult responsibilities, abuse welfare, and you're an obnoxious asshole.

That person at work.... If you don't know who you are, you should, because you're a pompous ass.

That other person at work.  You should definitely know who you are because you're creepy, inappropriate, and I try to hide whenever I see you coming.

People who post multitudes of downward angled "selfies" pictures online with the same duck-lips-stick-your-ass-out-pose

Cryptic passive-aggressive Facebook status updates 

The Sound Of Music is NOT a Christmas movie!

Conformist Reindeer:
Ya know all of the other reindeer in the song "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer?"  They ostracized and bullied and mocked and excluded poor little Rudolph.  They thought he was nothing but a freak with hyperemia of the nasal mucosa.  But one day, Santa (who never had Rudolph's back during all that bullying from his staff) beg him to save Christmas, having decided that Rudolph's mutation serves a purpose and deems him functional.  Then all those other reindeer who treated ol' Rudy like caribou feces make an immediate 180º and wanna be his friend now?  They all have this massive change of heart, but only after their boss says so.  I don't buy it.  I think these reindeer are a bunch of brown-nosing ass-kissers.  They may be shouting "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!" with glee, but then they'll be talking shit about him behind his back (and Rudolph's always in the front of the sleigh team).  How's that for fuckin' Christmas Spirit?

Taylor Swift:
Your hair isn't naturally (perfectly) wavy, enough with the squinty broody grin, your songs are stupid, you wear WAY too much eye makeup, and you "fall in love" 18 times a week.  Go make another perfume and leave me alone.

...and finally:
Andy Reid

Well, that'll do it for us this Festivus.  Hope you enjoyed it!  So all you readers out there (a.k.a. Mom and that one dude from Alaska who probably stumbled onto this page by mistake), feel free to air your grievances too this Festivus season. I promise it'll make you feel better! Happy Festivus to all and to all a good night!!!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Where's The Club Hades Bouncer?

Quote of the Day:
"You have the voice of an angel.  Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus!" - Dale, Step Brothers

I definitely believe that we are all karma's bitch.  The universe has a funny way of (eventually) coming back around to bite you in the sorry derrière for the bad juju you let loose into it.  However, I don't know how much belief I invest in the concept of the afterlife.  According to several organized (and unorganized) religions, our souls are bound to spend eternity in either infinite punishment or infinite paradise (especially since there's apparently no more purgatory anymore.  That narrows the field even further).  One or the other.  Just based on the blip of time we spend on this insignificant-in-the-scheme-of-things rock of ours?  That sounds a little extreme to me.  

And on top of that, just one guy (I believe the goyim refer to him as St. Peter) decides who gets to get in to Heaven?  I didn't think Heaven required a bouncer. Talk about sucky jobs!  I would hate to spend eternity checking people's He's like Santa, except instead of deciding who gets toys or coal, he decides who's naughty and nice enough for eternal paradise.  I can't even begin to describe the myriad shades of gray in that whole debacle!  I know we've spent centuries trying to determine heavenly criteria, but it just sounds like your basic aptitude test to me.  I think I liked the idea of purgatory better: the best of the best (Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Chuck Norris) can go to Heaven, the worst of the worst (Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Casey Anthony) can go to Hell, and the rest of us can just hang out in purgatory.... if loved ones make it to a different floor, they can have visitation rights to the lobby.  That makes things much less complicated, in my opinion.

And how come Hell doesn't have a bouncer?  I get Heaven having one. "No way, you cheated on your taxes. You're goin' downstairs!" But shouldn't Hell have the same regulations?  "Meh, you cheated on your wife, but you were a pretty stand-up guy the rest of the time, so you can't get in."  And how come Hell's the only place with circles?  Shouldn't Heaven get circles too, going the other way?  Yin and yang, y'know?

My theory is that if you're going to designate people to extremes as big as Heaven or Hell, you've gotta have the logistics and details ironed out.