"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way." - Frank Costanza, Seinfeld
I recently attended my first Festivus party. I witnessed feats of strength (arm-wrestling), free, endless meatballs, a Festivus Miracle (drunken diva tag), and my personal favorite: The Airing of Grievances. The host had a large sheet of paper on which guests were invited to write their grievances. That inspired me to air all my grievances this holiday season:
People who took the Mayan apocalypse way too seriously
People who don't use their turn signals
Do you have any idea how many people shop at Walmart? Then why the hell don't you put more people at the the cash registers?!?
People who still make a big stink about racism. I don't look down on you because of your skin color or ethnicity; I look down on you because you neglect adult responsibilities, abuse welfare, and you're an obnoxious asshole.
That person at work.... If you don't know who you are, you should, because you're a pompous ass.
That other person at work. You should definitely know who you are because you're creepy, inappropriate, and I try to hide whenever I see you coming.
People who post multitudes of downward angled "selfies" pictures online with the same duck-lips-stick-your-ass-out-pose
Cryptic passive-aggressive Facebook status updates
The Sound Of Music is NOT a Christmas movie!
Conformist Reindeer:Ya know all of the other reindeer in the song "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer?" They ostracized and bullied and mocked and excluded poor little Rudolph. They thought he was nothing but a freak with hyperemia of the nasal mucosa. But one day, Santa (who never had Rudolph's back during all that bullying from his staff) beg him to save Christmas, having decided that Rudolph's mutation serves a purpose and deems him functional. Then all those other reindeer who treated ol' Rudy like caribou feces make an immediate 180º and wanna be his friend now? They all have this massive change of heart, but only after their boss says so. I don't buy it. I think these reindeer are a bunch of brown-nosing ass-kissers. They may be shouting "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!" with glee, but then they'll be talking shit about him behind his back (and Rudolph's always in the front of the sleigh team). How's that for fuckin' Christmas Spirit?
Your hair isn't naturally (perfectly) wavy, enough with the squinty broody grin, your songs are stupid, you wear WAY too much eye makeup, and you "fall in love" 18 times a week. Go make another perfume and leave me alone.
Well, that'll do it for us this Festivus. Hope you enjoyed it! So all you readers out there (a.k.a. Mom and that one dude from Alaska who probably stumbled onto this page by mistake), feel free to air your grievances too this Festivus season. I promise it'll make you feel better! Happy Festivus to all and to all a good night!!!